12 TIPS FOR SUCCESS
1. It’s About Relationship
The goal of character isn’t just virtue, it’s healthy relationships. You’re not out to build perfect humans. You’re giving kids vocabulary and practice on how to manage emotions, get along with others, be vulnerable, support one another, and be happy together.
2. What Gets Rewarded Gets Repeated
Damaging behavior should be confronted. But an even better way to bring about positive character is to notice when a child is doing something right – and praise them for it. Write a note, make a comment, give a hug or a special treat. You’ll probably be amazed at how that changes their desire to do well.
3. Embrace Conflict
Some shy away from conflict. Others run headlong into the fray with explosive emotions. But conflict can be healthy. If resolved well, there is a great reward called “connection”, the restoration of heart-to-heart relationship. Pursue conflict resolution.
4. The Art of a Good Apology
Character Trades discussions may highlight ways someone has failed in living out good character recently. If necessary, take a moment to apologize sincerely. At our house, we say, “If you mess up, ‘fess up.” A good apology says, “I’m sorry for (behavior I did) which caused (outcome, how others felt). Will you forgive me?” The other person responds, “Yes, I forgive you.” And a good 20-second hug tends to help.
5. Model It
Parents have about 18 years of influence on a child. Less than that when you consider that most character is built in the toddler and elementary years. In the end, two main things impact character: 1) what you let the child do, and 2) what you let yourself do. Of the two, the second one generally wins – your kids tend to take on the behavior you model for them. Live well.
6. Screen-Free Time
Set aside time with no screen time. Turn off the TV. Step away from the computer. Put down the smart phone and tablet. You may be surprised at how your family starts to connect when you unplug.
7. Family Game Night
Take a break after dinner once a week and make it a family game night. If time is short, play a couple quick rounds of Character Trades game and spend some time talking about the character trait of the week.
8. Talk About It
The most important part of Character Trades is the opportunity to talk. Make conversation about emotions, conflict and struggle a normal thing!
Try a casual compliment like: "Thanks for responding so quickly when I asked you to get your shoes on. That shows Punctuality. And it makes me feel loved when you respond like that. Thanks." A little praise does wonders.
Also, affirm them in their failures rather than criticize: “Hey, I see that your chores haven’t been getting done. Sometimes, that’s a sign that there’s something else going on. Are you having a tough time? I sometimes forget and feel overwhelmed, too.”
Character Trades gives your family specific vocabulary for moments like these.
See Discussion Ideas.
9. Stick With It
We recommend weekly interaction with Character Trades. Focusing on one character trait per week, you'll need 24 weeks to cover them all.
With busy schedules, you'll end up missing a week or two. Don't quit. Pick up where you started and get back into the routine.
10. Keep Them Close
We recommend keeping your a deck of Character Trades cards on your kitchen counter, on the dining room table, or somewhere close by. Having them in plain sight makes it more likely that you'll use them. Pick them up when the kids are bored and play a quick game.
11. Focus On Motivation And Connection (Not Just Behavior)
There’s more to raising good kids than outward obedience. You can get a child to behave a certain way by threatening punishment, but you’ll likely break the relationship if that’s all there is.
As I used to tell my children, “I don’t want you to just obey. I want you to WANT to obey. I want your heart. I want us to care so much about each other that we’re all willing to help out, meet needs, and feel safe together.”
Those types of conversations break down walls and resistance. Invite children into meaningful relationship. Positive behavior is a natural outcome of connection.
12. Go One-On-One
One Saturday morning each month, take one of your kids out to breakfast one-on-one. Take along a Character Trades card deck or another card game to play while you wait for your food to arrive. As you eat, talk to your child about what's going on with them at school. Let them talk about what's important to them. Bring up some positive ways you see them growing. Have some honest conversations about life.
Not every breakfast conversation will be deep. But the regular habit of one-on-one time -- free from rush and distraction -- sets the stage for those times when meaningful conversation needs to happen. And you'll be glad for the memories you made.